Carriying your partner's voice

He's at the supermarket, standing next to the refrigerated products.

 

"Yes?", "no"!, "should I go for it?".

 

"I know it will make her angry".

 

40 full seconds have gone by...and he still can't decide if to buy that chocolate- soy-based -pudding- full-of- sugar or... not!!!

 

Now, I must explain...this guy is a CEO of a medium sized company. He knows how to make quick and precise decisions. A few dozen family's employment and livelihoods depend on him. However, when he's at the supermarket...you see... he's not standing there alone...

 

He is there with his "I.P." = Internalized Partner.

He carries her wherever he goes.

Most of us do.

 

One partner is vegan, the other eats meat. One partner likes bars and noisy dates, the other likes camping next to a serene lake. One believes in "musical beds" (=letting your kids choose which bed to sleep in), the other believes in "the Private Zoning of the Adult's Bed" ..so, how the hell can relationships ever work?!?

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Now, I must explain...this guy is a CEO of a medium sized company. He knows how to make quick and precise decisions. A few dozen family's employment and livelihoods depend on him. However, when he's at the supermarket...you see... he's not standing there alone...

 

He is there with his "I.P." = Internalized Partner.

He carries her wherever he goes.

Most of us do.

 

One partner is vegan, the other eats meat. One partner likes bars and noisy dates, the other likes camping next to a serene lake. One believes in "musical beds" (=letting your kids choose which bed to sleep in), the other believes in "the Private Zoning of the Adult's Bed" ..so, how the hell can relationships ever work?!?

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Obviously, choosing whatever you want to eat, buy, wear, etc. , shouldn't be too difficult, if you teach your partner and your children, that it is O.K. to be different from each other and that in many areas of your life you can maintain your individuality, even when sharing a life. The difficulty arises when you see yourself as "compromising".

In my opinion, compromising in your relationships as a way to solve problems, is a very terrible option. It usually means that you are giving up something you want and yet, you retain a certain bitterness about it.

And in relationships, all bitterness backfires!

It is our job to not be bitter. It makes our faces ugly and makes our homes unpleasant. I suggest you either you buy yourself that pudding and enjoy the sugar fix thoroughly, or you tell yourself that you are happy to have a partner that is so concerned with what you put into your body and you love her/him for it. Whatever you do...do it happily.

Another option (which often happens in my practice) is to talk about that moment at the supermarket and explore it, looking at the boundaries you'd like to present in your relationship between individuality and sharing a life/house/ refrigerator/ bank account, etc. Tell your partner about that moment at the supermarket. Tell her/him that you do not want to resent her/him. You want to love her/him, but you also want to love your ...self. Because the only way a relationship can truly work, is when you love your partner AND you love yourself. I know it sounds like a cliche', but it happens to be true.